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New Proposal Announced to Combat Social Security Crisis

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Ever since the Baby Boom, analysts down at the Social Security Administration have been feverously anticipating the massive decline in benefits available following the retirement of many Baby Boomers. Many Baby Boomers are currently retired or are retiring, and so unsurprisingly, Social Security raises are getting slimmer. In fact, it's projected the entire fund may even be wiped out in fifteen years.

This is why the Social Security Administration has been strategically collaborating with industry on looking at new ways to address the almost certain shortfalls.

"A large reason this is happening is decreasing birth rates following the Baby Boom," an anonymous source from SSA's Woodlawn office told us in a phone interview. "This is trend we're continuing to see, due to many factors, including mobile contraception. If you think it's bad now, just know, it's going to be a lot worse later. And so any short term fix is not going to work in the long run. What we've been working on recently is analyzing projected trends and seeing how we can take advantage of them in a way that will maximize the amount of benefits available on a per-person basis."

Just which trends are the most lucrative in the welfare industry?

"We've really strengthened our partnership with the FCC, largely because they're on of the most corrupt federal agencies and so it's very easy to do things behind Congress's back using that outlet. The solution is actually incredibly ingenious. Pretty much every young person today has a mobile, right? iPhone? Android? Exactly. There's two important things to note here. Over time, it leads to sterility, which means future generations that won't exist, which means fewer benefits that we'll have to pay out. And secondly, it has a decimating impact on the immune system, and in the long run, means people die sooner and of generally preventable causes. It's why we're seeing young people that are sicker than ever before now. The problem is senior citizens. Many of them have mobiles now, but not all of them. We've been encouraging telecom companies like Verizon to submit petitions for discontinuation for traditional copper phone service, so we can force them over to mobile service. The idea is if we can force senior citizens from landlines to mobiles, they're likely to die a little bit sooner, and that means fewer benefits to pay out to them. It's not perfect, but it's a good band-aid on what's really an enormous crisis right now.

Critics of the SSA's new plan of action pointed out that young people are the one paying into the system, and mobile usage currently adversely impacts the younger generations, who are most likely to have issues with infertility and premature death, meaning fewer people will be paying into the system in the future. But, the SSA says it doesn't matter.

"It really doesn't matter, and the reason why is that we are raising people today in a way that drastically reduces the chances they will even live to retirement. We get the best of both worlds in this manner. Senior citizens are already at the point where a mobile is not going to do much to his or her health, but it could be the tipping point that, say, causes a stroke, and leads to an early death. It could cause heart palpitations, and, eventually, say, a heart attack. On the flip side, young people are going to see a prolonged decrease in their quality of life until death. The nice thing is life expectancies are decreasing now, and this means sick young people will be paying into the system for a short time, but will never be paid any benefits. And so overall, we've effectively eliminating the problem, if we haven't solved it."

Although it is known to have a significant involvement in this new strategic alliance, the FCC declined to comment.

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