AT&T Offering Free Cancer To Students Due To COVID-19

AT&T has announced that it is giving free cancer to students as they adjust to learning from home.

According to a release from AT&T, qualified schools including K-12, colleges and universities across the country that are activating new lines for school-issued tablets, 4G LTE-enabled laptops and hotspot devices can get unlimited carcinogenic radiation for free for 60 days to offer to their students through May 22.

"We want to do our part to impact students during this difficult time," AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson stated in the press release. "Rather than charge students for our cancer-causing products during this public health crisis, we felt obligated to provide them for free as students impacted by COVID-19 adjust to virual learning."

Stephenson said that the May 22 timeline is currently tentative, and may be adjusted as officials continue to monitor the novel coronavirus. "We want to ensure that during this uncertain time, paying for carcinogenic products is the last thing on students' and school districts' minds. When the world has adequately returned to normalcy and this pandemic is over, we will return to pre-COVID-19 rates for all of our services, including cancer by mobile and headache by Wi-Fi".

In addition, AT&T will be waiving late payment fees for the next two months. "We want to do our part to ease the burden for students and customers. We know that many students over the next two months will be inundated with wireless radiation from all directions, and many will inevitably suffer from headaches and insomnia as a result. It's not unreasonable to predict many will forget to pay their bills, so we've decided to waive late payment fees temporarily as a result."

Other wireless companies are following similar strategies as companies in all industries adapt to a world impacted and defined by COVID-19. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai hailed wireless carriers' new measures, proclaiming them "prudent and timely" as the pandemic now claims more than half a million cases and nearly fifty thousand deaths. "AT&T and other carriers are committed to ensuring the coronavirus does not prevent people from receiving their daily dose of carcinogenic radiation. Thank you to the wireless carriers for doing everything they can to make sure as many people as possible will suffer from cancer, headaches, poor sleep and insomnia, indigestion, heart palpitations, heart tumors, blood-brain barrier leakage, and other chronic diseases, rather than from the coronavirus instead."

New Videogame Shattering Sales Records

Grand Theft Auto is officially on its way out, as the new videogame "Electrosensitive" is breaking sales records, selling out in top video game outlets across the country.

"Electrosensitive" transforms the player into an electrosensitive individual, fully intune with her environmental surroundings. Players are dropped into a toxic 21st-century metropolis, full of electrosmog. Players level up by completing various tasks, many of which involve finding working payphones around town and then placing calls from them.

If that weren't difficult enough, players must also stay vigilant to avoid become debilitated and losing a life. A radiofrequency meter in the player's dashboard displays the current radiation levels in the environment, so players can guage their surroundings and monitor for threats. Stray too close to a source of RF radiation, and ZAP, you're dead! Loaded with a pistol, players must disarm — killing if necessary — passerby who stray too close to them with their mobiles. In public spaces, bonus points are awarded for every Wi-Fi access point that is unplugged. If you're lucky enough to find the army tank sitting around, you have a limited amount of time to plow down as many cell towers as possible before the cops catch up to you.

Players report loving the thrill of the game and say it's given them a perspective as to how truly toxic modern life has become today. "After playing the game, I put my mobile outside and used it for target practice," said one player. "At least if this becomes the next Pokemon Go, I won't get shot dead while walking down the street, now!"

In fact, many players — not content to sit around at home — are transforming the game into reality. The City of New York reports that 2,000 Wi-Fi access points around town have been unplugged or vandalized. Groups of individuals have been roaming cities looking for 5G poles to bring down. "I was in traffic yesterday and heard a gunshot, and I started freaking out," said M. Drussell of Philadelphia. "I turned around, and it turned out to be just 5G equipment getting shot up." What did Drussel do? "I got out of my truck, took the shotgun out of the back, and joined in! We had that thing going up in flames in no time!"

PTS, the nation's largest payphone provider, has complained about the excessive volume of calls its public phones are experiencing. "It used to be we'd send a tech out every month to empty the phone," PTS CEO M. Zumbo reported. "Now, we have to send techs out a couple times a week." Other techs find the situation humorous, but agree with Zumbo. "I'm just waiting for the fad to be over, so I can go back into retirement," one tech concurred.

Well, now if you see a tank driving into a cell tower, you'll at least know what's going on.

Due to the popularity of this game, citizens are cautioned against using mobiles in public. "The use of mobiles in public is generally recognized as a dangerous behavior due to the acute and chronic health effects," the White House reported. "However, due to the acuteness of death by gunshot, we would advise against all use of mobiles at this time."

Verizon has increased the security presence around its 5G equipment as a security precaution. Two armed guards are currently stationed at all 5G deployments in cities including Philadelphia, Chicago, and Atlanta. The efficacy of this move is being questioned by other telecom carriers — although Verizon guards are defending their own equipment, they make no effort to prevent enthusiastic citizens from firing at antennas owned by AT&T or T-Mobile. It is expected that other wireless carriers will be deploying their own armed security to defend their own interests.

Bulb Dealer and Client Arrested In High Profile Smuggling Case

Two police cruisers were dispatched yesterday to break up an illicit deal that took place in the dark alley behind the 7th Street Mobil gas station. Both the dealer and the customer were taken into custody after the illegal transaction was interrupted.

Police were able to recover the contraband: six incandescent bulbs, enough to light a home without emitting dirty electricity or RF radiation for more than a year.

Smuggling incandescent light bulbs, which were outlawed years ago, is a felony in the United States and a serious crime. It is expected that both parties involved will be sentenced to life in prison for this violation.

Ramsey, the dealer, declined to answer our questions, while Stewart, one of Ramsey's clients, remained hysterical during the arrest.

"I know it's wrong," Stewart replied, "But I thought I could help my family out a little bit. We've just been suffering from such poor lighting for years, and in pain from the energy-efficient bulbs, and Ramsey said he could help me. I can't say how much I regret my actions. I just really wanted to feel good."

While it is unlikely either Ramsey or Stewart will ever see the light of day again, they may decide to plead guilty in order to get a plea bargain. Unfortunately, the law — and history — are both against them. When Albert Gonzalez, the notorious light bulb dealer, was arrested in March, he was sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole for his egregious impact on the environment. Gonzalez's lawyer, one of the best in Miami, attempted to negotiate a reduced sentence. Needless to say, he did not prevail. Only one bulb smuggler has ever been acquitted, and only because of a small technicaltiy — the bulbs were not pure 60-watt bulbs; although he was passing 40-watt bulbs off as 60-watt bulbs, he was found not guilty based on action, rather than intent.

Young People Are Always Staring At Their Phones!

If we told you that young people today are staring at their phones more than ever before, you probably wouldn't be surprised. Yet, it is particularly noteworthy as the number of incidents involving blindly and numbly staring at a phone continue to increase. In one extreme case quite recently, it even resulted in the death of a millennial! Eager to see how this was impacting the community, we scoped out to see if we could capture any other incidents caused by people staring at their phones.

Our reporter in Seminole County, FL, staked out in a county park to discreetly record passerby. Within ten minutes, he was able to record the entire incident of a teenager, numbly staring at his phone, accidentally walk… Read full story

One Person Confirmed Dead In Bay Area After Walking Into Car

Ralph Devereaux, 39, of Berkeley, CA, has been confirmed dead by autopsy this morning. W. Hart, of Berkeley, CA, was there to witness the entire incident.

"To be upfront," Hart confided, "I don't feel sorry for the man. But, I did what I could to save him."

In an effort to recreate the incident, Hart gave us a play by play rundown of the last minutes of Devereaux's life.

Interview Transcript (10/10/2019):

HART: "I was waiting to call my friend at 1pm, so I was sitting on a bench next to a payphone downtown reading the newspaper, just minding my own business. And I really didn't notice that he was there, until he was - quite literally - on top of me. The dumb jerk just flat out… Read full story

New Case Study Shows Consumers Value Inconvenience — And Are Willing To Pay For It

This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but it's still a bit interesting to actually see in an abstract what many top industry players have known for a long time: consumers love inconvenience — so much so, they are willing to pay more for it. A lot more.

How much more?

If you look at the entire technology landscape, you'll see an array of consumer products that are incredibly inconvenient, laughingly unreliable, and certainly guaranteed to fail. A common factor among all of them is that they are drastically overpriced in comparison with their more reliable siblings.

"Innovation in technology today basically consists of taking something… Read full story

New Proposal Announced to Combat Social Security Crisis

Ever since the Baby Boom, analysts down at the Social Security Administration have been feverously anticipating the massive decline in benefits available following the retirement of many Baby Boomers. Many Baby Boomers are currently retired or are retiring, and so unsurprisingly, Social Security raises are getting slimmer. In fact, it's projected the entire fund may even be wiped out in fifteen years.

This is why the Social Security Administration has been strategically collaborating with industry on looking at new ways to address the almost certain shortfalls.

"A large reason this is happening is decreasing birth rates following the Baby Boom," an anonymous source from SSA's Woodlawn office told us in a phone interview. "This is trend we're continuing to see, due to many factors, including mobile contraception. If you think it's bad now, just know, it's going to be a lot worse later. And so any short term fix is not going to work in the long run. What we've been working on recently is… Read full story

Apple Rebrands "AirPods" to "AirCancer"

Apple recently rebranded their line of wireless earbuds from "AirPods" to "AirCancer". Apple CEO Tim Cook gave us the scoop in a phone interview.

"At Apple, we take transparency very seriously," Cook told us. "We felt that as part of an ongoing effort to be more transparent to our customers, it just made a lot of sense. One problem today is that many people are not actually making as many phone calls using their iPhones. They're just using them to, you know, stream music and listen to podcasts. And as a result, they're not getting brain cancer nearly as fast as they would otherwise, since they're keeping it more often in their pocket than next to their head. Now, that has benefits, too, but brain cancer is unfortunately not one of them. And this where the AirPods came in — no longer do you need to hold a bulky iPhone to your head, you can simply pop these little guys in! One of them communicates… Read full story

8 Reasons To Use Mobiles

Perhaps one of the greatest advancements in humankind has been, undoubtedly, the mobile (aka cellular phone). Everybody uses a mobile for pretty much everything now, but unfortunately, not everyone has gotten with the times, yet. If you're still a caveman with a landline, here are some compelling reasons to ditch that old-fashioned technology and embrace the 21st century:

  1. Easier to get out of a conversation — It seems everybody is always calling at the wrong time, right? Thankfully, your mobile has your back! Just when the conversation is going south, the call drops. Or maybe the battery dies. Either way, cool beans!
  2. Allows you to warp what people say — If you're not really paying attention when people call you, it's okay, because even if you are, you can't really hear half of what they say anyways. If you want to hear "make sure the toilet's clean" to "be sure to eat ice cream", you can! On the other hand, if someone calls you on a landline, you have to - inconveniently - actually pay attention; there's no chance of mishearing anything.
  3. Allows you to disconnect — Everybody needs some time alone, disconnected and what not. Well, you can conveniently misplace your mobile somewhere in the house and not be able to find it. Perfect, now you don't need to call grandma!
  4. Read full story

Forget Condoms: Mobiles Found To Be Effective Birth Control Agent

It's official: wireless carriers, like AT&T and Verizon Wireless, are taking on the condom industry.

"We already do everything on our mobiles," said FCC Chairman Ajit Pai at a conference organized by the CTIA, his former current allegiance. "They are probably the most personal tool a person uses in a day. That's why it's incredibly excited that in the future, people may not be using condoms anymore."

Apple has recently begun publicly promoting and advertising this feature. "At Apple, we're very proud of how much our customers confide in us and how much they trust us," said Apple CEO Tim Cook. "We strive to make life for our customers as convenient as possible, and today, people have their iPhones with them at all times. It's really only a matter of time until condoms will be redundant because our newest iPhones should be sufficient."

What Cook was implicitly referring to was… Read full story

Life as a POTS de-installer

Landlines are dropping fast all across the country. The most aggressive in the act has been Verizon, which has been actively practicing "copper neglect" in its service region, purposely letting lines deteriorate and threatening its employees with termination if they do their due diligence and repair them.

One Verizon lineman, whom we'll call Fred, agreed to speak with us anonymously about the rationale behind Verizon's tactics.

"At first, I thought it was kind of dumb," Fred said. "When my dad was a lineman, quality and service were important values. But of course, that's old-fashioned today. Nobody wants quality and service, anymore. That's all old hat. What people want is flashy and delicate convenience that will fail on a dime. And so of course, that's exactly what we're giving them."

Fred is one of a growing number of Verizon POTS "de-installers"… Read full story

Pampers: Earlier and Earlier

In an effort to expedite the erradication of mankind by total sterility, Pampers has joined the growing number of companies using wireless technology to completely eliminate human fertility. To further this cause, they have unveiled Lumi smart diapers, a new and innovative way of reducing sperm and egg count from the get-go.

Pampers enthusiastically announced that this was an unprecedented way of ensuring that all future homo sapiens would be irradiated from the delivery table. "The wireless industry has already managed to get irradiating devices into every adult and teenager's pocket," a Pampers spokesperson announced. "Now, even children have them. People are getting exposed to large doses of RF radiation earlier and earlier in life. Decreasing sperm counts in young men already indicate that phase has largely been a success. The next frontier to conquer, naturally, was the infant years. Unfortunately, not all parents are willing yet to install iPhones into their infant's crib… Read full story