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Pampers: Earlier and Earlier

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In an effort to expedite the erradication of mankind by total sterility, Pampers has joined the growing number of companies using wireless technology to completely eliminate human fertility. To further this cause, they have unveiled Lumi smart diapers, a new and innovative way of reducing sperm and egg count from the get-go.

Pampers enthusiastically announced that this was an unprecedented way of ensuring that all future homo sapiens would be irradiated from the delivery table. "The wireless industry has already managed to get irradiating devices into every adult and teenager's pocket," a Pampers spokesperson announced. "Now, even children have them. People are getting exposed to large doses of RF radiation earlier and earlier in life. Decreasing sperm counts in young men already indicate that phase has largely been a success. The next frontier to conquer, naturally, was the infant years. Unfortunately, not all parents are willing yet to install iPhones into their infant's crib. So, this solution was actually a natural progression from that: every baby needs diapers, so why not install a wireless transmitter in the diaper itself? Until the baby is hold enough to hold a microwave transmitter next to its skull, we're able to ensure that the baby is still getting its daily dose of microwaves."

The wireless industry has already countered, explaining that babies are not supposed to hold iPhones up to their heads — rather, they're supposed to let them sit on their lap, where they can sit right on top of the reproductive organs. "When people hold mobile devices up to their head," FCC head Ajit Pai explained, "they're most directly exposing their brain, which can, at best, lead to brain cancer. The problem is that people with brain cancer are not prevented from copulating. By keeping the devices too heavy for infants to hold, wireless carriers ensure they end up on the infant's lap, where it can then directly radiate the testicles or ovaries. It's a more efficient approach in the long run."

Pampers concurred with Pai's statement, pointing out that the Lumi technology can peacefully coexist with mobile devices in the crib. "The iPhones are most likely going to be sitting on the top of the groin, and likely on top of a diaper or some other clothing. The diapers are underneath and in direct contact with the skin, which gives us a slight advantage. We can increase the likelihood for anal or corectal cancer in a way the wireless carriers could only dream of."

Pamper's diapers have been largely positively received by parents as well. "I don't need to watch my baby anymore either," one Pennsylvanian parent added. "The app lets me know whenever the diaper is full. Now that I don't need to periodically get up to check on him, I can better binge watch Netflix without interruption. Thank you, Pampers!"

However, mobile manufacturers are not yet ready to concede their realm of reproductive harm to a diaper manufacturer. Pampers, in turn, is already researching new and innovative ways to bring the project truly full circle.

"Thanks to our diapers, every human being will be constantly exposed to carcinogenic radiation — from his first diaper out of the womb, to his last cell phone call on his deathbed. The last frontier, now, is the womb, of course. As we like to say, the trend is 'earlier and earlier' exposure. If we could find a cost-effective way to install some kind of transmitter in the womb, to expose the fetus even before delivery — now that, that would be truly revolutionary!"

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