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Two police cruisers were dispatched yesterday to break up an illicit deal that took place in the dark alley behind the 7th Street Mobil gas station. Both the dealer and the customer were taken into custody after the illegal transaction was interrupted.
Police were able to recover the contraband: six incandescent bulbs, enough to light a home without emitting dirty electricity or RF radiation for more than a year.
Smuggling incandescent light bulbs, which were outlawed years ago, is a felony in the United States and a serious crime. It is expected that both parties involved will be sentenced to life in prison for this violation.
Ramsey, the dealer, declined to answer our questions, while Stewart, one of Ramsey's clients, remained hysterical during the arrest.
"I know it's wrong," Stewart replied, "But I thought I could help my family out a little bit. We've just been suffering from such poor lighting for years, and in pain from the energy-efficient bulbs, and Ramsey said he could help me. I can't say how much I regret my actions. I just really wanted to feel good."
While it is unlikely either Ramsey or Stewart will ever see the light of day again, they may decide to plead guilty in order to get a plea bargain. Unfortunately, the law — and history — are both against them. When Albert Gonzalez, the notorious light bulb dealer, was arrested in March, he was sentenced to life in prison without possibility of parole for his egregious impact on the environment. Gonzalez's lawyer, one of the best in Miami, attempted to negotiate a reduced sentence. Needless to say, he did not prevail. Only one bulb smuggler has ever been acquitted, and only because of a small technicaltiy — the bulbs were not pure 60-watt bulbs; although he was passing 40-watt bulbs off as 60-watt bulbs, he was found not guilty based on action, rather than intent.