Apple Rebrands "AirPods" to "AirCancer"

Apple recently rebranded their line of wireless earbuds from "AirPods" to "AirCancer". Apple CEO Tim Cook gave us the scoop in a phone interview.

"At Apple, we take transparency very seriously," Cook told us. "We felt that as part of an ongoing effort to be more transparent to our customers, it just made a lot of sense. One problem today is that many people are not actually making as many phone calls using their iPhones. They're just using them to, you know, stream music and listen to podcasts. And as a result, they're not getting brain cancer nearly as fast as they would otherwise, since they're keeping it more often in their pocket than next to their head. Now, that has benefits, too, but brain cancer is unfortunately not one of them. And this where the AirPods came in — no longer do you need to hold a bulky iPhone to your head, you can simply pop these little guys in! One of them communicates with the paired iPhone of course, but the other sends an RF signal directly through the brain to the other earbud. It's a quite revolutionary concept we're very proud of; one of the first devices to actually beam RF radiation directly through the brain."

Cook clarified that the name "AirPods" was a bit misleading. "Some people seem to have gotten the erroneous impression that AirPods were simply about the ease of listening. Well, that's just BS, because you have to charge them all the time, and they're easy to lose. The real selling point is hands-free brain cancer. Pretty cutting edge, if you look at what's on the market today. AirPods have been very, very popular for Apple, and we expect AirCancer to be an even more lucrative venture for us in the years to come."

With the name change currently going into effect, we asked Cook if we could expect future renaming of Apple's other flagship products.

"Well, I can't say too much," Cook admitted, "but I will say that it's a lot harder than you might think. Our customer experience team really did a lot of research before we came up with the rebrand. Previously, we were seriously considering rebranding the iPhone as iCancer. The problem with that was, well, that it was too ambiguous, you know, it's not just iPhones. All of our products are designed to give you some kind of cancer. And, so that would have been really confusing. Possibly, we'll consider branding all of our proudcts under the "iCancer" umbrella."

Apple refused to comment exactly on by how much sales of AirCancer are projected to increase, but many fanatic consumers at the flagship store in New York City lined up at midnight this past Wednesday to purchase the first rebranded AirCancer products, ever. "It's kind of exciting to say I got the first one," confessed D. McGrath, 19, of Brooklyn. "It was definitely worth the seven hour wait!"

In recent years, AirPods have been Apple's most popular accessory product, with more than 30 million units sold last year alone. Although only time will tell, independent industry experts currently predict the AirCancer rebranding to bring new life to the product and further drive sales. Based on last quarter's reports, Apple is currently poised to dominate the market in "convenient cancer" accessories.

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