Perhaps one of the greatest advancements in humankind has been, undoubtedly, the mobile (aka cellular phone). Everybody uses a mobile for pretty much everything now, but unfortunately, not everyone has gotten with the times, yet. If you're still a caveman with a landline, here are some compelling reasons to ditch that old-fashioned technology and embrace the 21st century:
- Easier to get out of a conversation — It seems everybody is always calling at the wrong time, right? Thankfully, your mobile has your back! Just when the conversation is going south, the call drops. Or maybe the battery dies. Either way, cool beans!
- Allows you to warp what people say — If you're not really paying attention when people call you, it's okay, because even if you are, you can't really hear half of what they say anyways. If you want to hear "make sure the toilet's clean" to "be sure to eat ice cream", you can! On the other hand, if someone calls you on a landline, you have to - inconveniently - actually pay attention; there's no chance of mishearing anything.
- Allows you to disconnect — Everybody needs some time alone, disconnected and what not. Well, you can conveniently misplace your mobile somewhere in the house and not be able to find it. Perfect, now you don't need to call grandma! This only works if you don't have a landline; otherwise, she'll just ask why you didn't use the landline to call your mobile.
- Better birth control — Not only are landlines old-fashioned, but so are condoms. Prolonged use of mobiles can decimate sperm and egg counts, thus increasing intimacy: when it's time to get exciting in the bedroom, no need to let a condom come between you and your partner!
- Complimentary brain cancer — If you're going to get cancer (and let's face it, we all are), then brain cancer's definitely the bomb. Fortunately, you don't have to go out of your way to smoke tobacco or eat tons of junk food. Just ten years of mobile usage can double your chances of getting a rare brain tumor. For even better chances, you can opt to live near a mobile base station (cell tower). Bonus? Lower property values near cell towers means you save big on real estate! On the other hand, landlines won't give you brain cancer, just dial tones.
- Allow you to play God with emergency responders — Landlines are boring; when you call 911, they provide dispatchers with your exact location. When you call using a mobile, they just get coordinates which may or may not be slightly useful in approximating your location. But they'll need you to tell them exactly where you are, which means you can take some liberty in sending the cops to your neighbor's house in the middle of the night. There's a certain thrill in that emergency responders are actually depending on your every word, rather than just using information on a computer display! Just make sure you know where you actually are if there is a real emergency.
- No more stalkers and private detectives on your back — now that mobile carriers, the government, hackers, and third-party agencies can monitor and track your location at all times, nobody needs to come out and physically monitor your movements. At last, you can finally enjoy some privacy!
- Easy way to get rid of some excess cash — Fortunately, these days, we're able to shell out $600 every few years for a brand new iPhone, providing a convenient sinkhole for all that excess money in your checking account. Since a $30 landline phone can have a greater lifetime than you will, you'll need to be a bit more creative at figuring out an excuse for replacing it, meaning excess funds will pile up in your bank account.